Why is the beginning always the hardest?

In order for my life to start becoming what I want it to I was told by the doctor to do two simple things. Walk 60 minutes a day and make healthy food choices. No hard. Pretty simple. But do you think that I could fo that for more than one day. Nope. Why? I ask myself this question daily. Why can I not choose the things that are going to help me on my way to a better life. Why can I not walk outside (or Inside) for a short period of time. I have no answers to these questions. All I have is frustration. Frustration at myself. Frustration at my lack of motivation. Anger that I am allowing this to continue to be my life.

You know what I want and what I have always only wanted. To have a normal life with food and exercise. A life where food is the fuel to give you the energy you need and to sustain you until the next meal. And that is it. I don’t want food to be anything but that. Not a filler of loneliness. Not an answer to my problem. Not a means of avoiding real life situations that need attention. None of that. I want to be able to wake up in the morning put on my walking shoes and just go. But I talk myself out of it or I stop myself from taking that first step. I need to stop these things. I need to make these choices daily so that they become a habit that I do and not even think about it. I need to quit waiting for my husband to start, stop or succeed. I need to do it for me and only me. I need to do it forever.

Not just for a short period of time. Not for an event and not starting Monday. We have all been there with one thing or the other and the hardest part is that first step towards victory. That is all that it takes and you would think that it would be simple and yet it is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There must be some safety in being overweight for me. There has got to be some reason why I would choose to be overweight and unhappy as opposed to healthy and full of life. I can’t do this any more. I am tired of the things that are holding me back from life and living and being happy.

I am tired of being invisible in a world of “normal” people. I am tired of worrying about every single moment of the day and whether my fat will get me noticed or if I can still remain unseen. I want to be seen for crying out loud. I want to be heard. I want to bring good things to this world and to give back. I want to be happy. I can be happy. I WILL BE HAPPY! I deserve it and so do my children and my family. So the time is now. No more excuses. No more reasons for failure and exit strategies ready in my back pocket. I have a life and I want to start living it. I deserve that…

To have a normal life with food and exercise. A life where food is the fuel to give you the energy you need and to sustain you until the next meal. And that is it. I don’t want food to be anything but that. Not a filler of loneliness. Not an answer to my problem. Not a means of avoiding real life situations that need attention. None of that. I want to be able to wake up in the morning put on my walking shoes and just go. But I talk myself out of it or I stop myself from taking that first step. I need to stop these things. I need to make these choices daily so that they become a habit that I do and not even think about it. I need to quit waiting for my husband to start, stop or succeed. I need to do it for me and only me. I need to do it forever. Not just for a short period of time. Not for an event and not starting Monday.

We have all been there with one thing or the other and the hardest part is that first step towards victory. That is all that it takes and you would think that it would be simple and yet it is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There must be some safety in being overweight for me. There has got to be some reason why I would choose to be overweight and unhappy as opposed to healthy and full of life. I can’t do this any more. I am tired of the things that are holding me back from life and living and being happy. I am tired of being invisible in a world of “normal” people. I am tired of worrying about every single moment of the day and whether my fat will get me noticed or if I can still remain unseen. I want to be seen for crying out loud. I want to be heard. I want to bring good things to this world and to give back. I want to be happy. I can be happy.

I WILL BE HAPPY! I deserve it and so do my children and my family. So the time is now. No more excuses. No more reasons for failure and exit strategies ready in my back pocket. I have a life and I want to start living it. I deserve that…

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