What my weight represents for me

My doctor has asked that I read quite a few books on weight loss and health. One of the books had this great question in it that I have been thinking about for a while and I think I have finally come up the answer. The question was what does your weight represent for you. Now I could answer that my weight represents bad food choices and lack of exercise, I’d rather have caramel than carrots, I’d rather sit than walk and I choose TV over cardio. But I believe those are just my habits. Not good ones but habits none the less. As for what I truly believe  the question means is what emotional pain was my heart suffering that I had to protect or avoid it with food. I believe that it did start at first as a habit and turned into a way of comfort for me. I remember my husband Daryl losing a large amount of weight just before our wedding. He was all about running and salads and I was not ready to join him on that journey yet. I clearly remember saying to him just weeks before the wedding I feel so alone. We used to share food and movies and now you are about health and I don’t feel like I fit into this new life and I feel so lonely. After our wedding when the pictures came back my husband looked fantastic and I looked FAT.  And as we all know the first few years of marriage are not easy. So what I had learned before our marriage was food feels better than being alone. Food feels better than fighting. Food feels better than any negative emotions. Until one-day food feels like CRAP. Food was affecting so much of my life, my relationships, my marriage and the worst part my desire to have children.

We used to share food and movies and now you are about health and I don’t feel like I fit into this new life and I feel so lonely. After our wedding when the pictures came back my husband looked fantastic and I looked FAT.  And as we all know the first few years of marriage are not easy. So what I had learned before our marriage was food feels better than being alone. Food feels better than fighting. Food feels better than any negative emotions. Until one-day food feels like CRAP. Food was affecting so much of my life, my relationships, my marriage and the worst part my desire to have children. Because I was overweight I developed PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which affects your fertility. So we struggled for five long years to have a child. And with that type of struggle and all the emotions comes eating with my dear trusted friend FOOD. I could go on about how food was more a part of my life than anything else but what I would instead like to say is I believe for myself it  has represented loneliness, lack of good communication with my loved ones and a way of life that I couldn’t quit. My weight represents too many years and moments I have missed out on because I was too wrapped up in my own sadness to ever be truly happy. Wow. That is huge. It is a big realization of what I don’t want my life to be like anymore. I want to enjoy every little moment of each day with my family and friends. I’m looking forward to finally living a joyful life full of love and happiness that I have been missing out on. And in two days I have already lost 5 pounds. Not a bad start…

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