There has got to be more…

I remember seeing this as a tag line for an upcoming Alpha Course at my church a few years ago and it really called to me. I knew that this is what I was searching for, of what I did not know. But I was on the hunt for what seemed impossible to find, answers to the big WHY’S of life. Why is this where I am in my life? Why can I not make my life different from this that does not feel right?  Why? Why? Why? and the biggest why of all is Why am I fat? There are a million ways I could answer this question but they all seem like excuses so I will say this.  I am hurting. In so many ways. Physically, spiritually, emotionally and more. This life as a 300-pound woman on a 5 foot 4-inch body is not easy. The pain is so deep and so buried I can almost not reach it. And I know because of this pain I am able to think of nothing else. I want something more, a life without this pain. A life that is for me and is healthy.

But I am stopped by these feelings of loneliness and sorrow. The hurt goes away when I pour out my soul on these pages and receive the beautiful comments. But then it comes back. And it is painful and I feel sorry for myself. So sorry that I don’t want to do what is necessary for my body to stop feeling this way. So then it all comes back to the,  why? I haven’t been walking since I wrote about it. I haven’t eaten right for more than a couple of days. I haven’t taken my pills as often as I should. I am not doing what is necessary and I feel like crap. I go and see my Doctor is two weeks and I haven’t lost a pound. Well I did but then I gained them back. I am so stuck! I want to be 100% honest and tell the world that I am struggling and am in need of some “butt kicking” or some encouragement. I am not exactly sure what at this moment. All I know is that some more digging is necessary as to why I have such pain and what has caused this in my life. When I hold onto this pain I know I am holding onto the weight too. So it’s time to… Let it Go!

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