My journey…

My last blog had suggested that I most probably was going to have type two diabetes. Well guess what? I do not have type two diabetes. My specialist had called me and said so we received your results and you actually do not have diabetes. Again another time that I was in utter shock. All along I believed that I had it too. I hoped and prayed that I didn’t. Actually just moments before the phone call I sent a prayer out there saying okay whatever happens happens if I do or do not I will work with what I am dealt. And at the very end I said okay but please don’t let me have it. It’s amazing to me how sometimes good news is almost worse than bad news. I had expected horrible results and allowed myself to accept giving daily needles to my body but somehow when she said okay Alicia you do not have diabetes it was hard to wrap my mind  around that. At first of course you’re excited. You feel like you’ve dodged a bullet, missed  that land mine and all is right with the world. But then reality sets in. And what you had excepted is no longer the truth now you have to wrap your mind around a new truth. It’s ridiculous to feel disappointed but I think I actually was. And so I asked myself why,  why was I feeling this way? And what I came up with was that I thought I had a problem and a solution they came together in a nicely wrapped package called type two diabetes. I thought that the medication would be a step closer and quicker to weight loss for me. But then  the carpet was swept out from under me and now I was just a problem with a no solution. I know it’s an awful way to think but sometimes we have to feel this way and realize it before we can come up with a more sensible solution.

Now onto my husband. My husband had started his journey on January 2015 just as I had and in less than six short months he has lost over 100 pounds. I am so proud of him he has done a great job I do mean that. He works hard. Every day he beats  this thing. Every day he chooses only the best foods. Every day he exercises in some way. And now he actually looks forward to it. He allows himself a treat on the weekends and usually gains  two or 3 pounds which he has to again work off the next day. That is what works for him. And he always gets right back on the saddle. I am very proud of them. What’s hard about this journey for myself is the fact that he is now light years ahead of me in this journey. He’s almost crossing the finish line and I’m still stretching before the race. And back here it’s lonely. I blame myself. I haven’t kept up the way he has. I haven’t kicked my butt into gear with exercise the way he has. I haven’t gotten rid of all the bad food out of my life the way that he has. And because of this I’m at the back of the pack by myself. I want to do it with my partner but I feel like I would hold him back. I said I need his help and of course he says I’m here for you. And I know he is I just don’t know if he doesn’t want to anger me by trying to push me or if I don’t want his help so I keep him at arms length and he can feel that so he doesn’t even attempt  doing it or  challenging me. I see these couples who work out together and eat right together and I wish for that too. Now the question is if I really wanted that why do I feel like it’s up to my partner to make it happen? It’s up to me I should say okay Daryl  today lets take the family and go for a really good walk or I should say okay enough treats for me back on the saddle eat my veggies take my pills and do this thing! Glinda the good witch from the Wizard of Oz says you’ve always had the power you just have to realize it for yourself. So the moral of my long story is this. I Alicia have my own power. No one will fight this fight for me. No one will take this journey for me. I cannot expect Daryl  to wait for me and hold himself back on my account. I can just accept the support that he’s always giving me. I can’t expect type two diabetes and a needle everyday to be my solution. I can make good choices, work out and keep going to be the answer. Ronda Rousay a has a quote that says “most people focus on the wrong thing, they focus on the results not the process. It’s true I’m losing sight of the importance of the process, of learning of becoming strong physically and mentally with  each step I take. That is my journey…

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