It’s not just weight loss
Everyday I continue to learn more about myself on this journey towards my authentic self. As I shed the old me and become closer to who I am I see the world differently and more importantly I see who I am in the world differently. I, as an overweight woman didn’t want to say or do anything wrong. My opinion didn’t matter as I already had so much to make up for that adding opinionated to the mix would have just thrown me over the edge. I tried to people please, even at my own expense. I never wanted to a burden to anyone else- even strangers. Now as I think back to that I ask myself why? Why was someone else more important than me? Why was someone else’s happiness more important than my own? And I can see that it is worth. I felt that my worth was less than anyone else’s and it was tied strictly to my weight. It seems so backwards now that I think of it. The size of a person shouldn’t weigh the heart of the person. But sadly it does. And it is not just how the world values overweight people but how an overweight person values themselves in the world. My father said to me recently “you’ve put your life on a shelf for so long, I am happy to see that you have finally taken it down and are enjoying life now.” It was the truth. I would just put one foot in front of the other and did the motions of living but never really lived the way I should have been. I never appreciated the life that I had because I was always thinking of the life I wanted. And now that life is finally here. A life where I get to enjoy every moment. A life where my opinions are just as important as anyone else’s. A life where I am just as valuable as anyone else. A life where I am not only putting one foot in front of the other but that I am enjoying each step that I take. My weight held me back in so many ways. It held me back physically of course but it also help me back mentally and emotionally. It was as though I was on auto pilot a computer running my life but not me. As I shed more and more weight I am becoming my own pilot and my life and every move I make is as my own Captain. I am so grateful each and every day. I want to shout it from the rooftops and share it with the world. I want people struggling themselves to know it gets better and it doesn’t have to be so hard. I want the world to enjoy life just as much as I do. I want the world to be just as happy as I am.
I would like to now share a weight loss update. Since my highest weight in December 2014 I am down 112 pounds. Since just before my liquid diet for the surgery I and down 82 pounds and since the day if surgery I am down 50 pounds in four and 1/2 months. I know it is just weight loss but for me it is so much more. For me with each pound lost there is also sadness lost, worthlessness lost, anger lost, frustration lost, guilt lost, embarrassment lost, and uncomfortableness lost. And with each thing that I lose I also gain something back. When sadness is lost, HAPPINESS is gained. When worthlessness is lost, VALUE is gained. When anger is lost, FORGIVENESS is gained. When frustration is lost, CALM is gained. When is guilt is lost,INNOCENCE is gained. When embarrassment is lost, PRIDE AND CONFIDENCE are gained. And when uncomfortableness is lost, COMFORT is gained. It may only be numbers on the scale but for me it is becoming the person I was always meant to be.