I am flooded with feelings…

This  has been an emotionally exhausting weekend. It all started Friday at 530pm when my husband called me with the dreadful words “I’M OKAY BUT I’VE BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND I TOTALLED OUR CAR” What, really, are you ok? Who did this? Are you ok, really? Was it your fault? Is anyone else hurt? We only have one car, oh crap! So I had to ask one of the amazing daycare parents to go to the accident site and pick up my husband. As our children and I waited for Daddy to come home safely all we could do was wonder, worry and shed many tears. We only talked to him on the phone for a second and not all our questions were answered. Not all our worries had been made untrue. I hadn’t looked at him or touched him and seen with my own eyes that he was ok. I wanted to know that he was as ok as he had suggested. A million and one things ran through my head about the how’s, what’s, when’s and why’s of what was to come next and it all involved how could our family go on without the heart of it, Daryl. I know I totally jumped to an ending that was so far off of what the reality was. But it was the not knowing that sent me there. And I couldn’t help but break down in tears. And something always happens when my oldest son sees me crying, he too begins to cry. So we were both balling our eyes out and my youngest son looked at us both and said with such certainty “Dad is going to be just fine and we can always get a new car if we need to.” And he was right. Reid my six year old son, the rock of that emotional moment was totally right. But I still had to see for myself. Daryl finally arrived at home after what felt like the longest hour of my life and we all ran to greet him and hug him. I looked him over from head to toe like a mother does the first time she sees her new born baby. Ten fingers, ten toes, no bumps or bruises or broken bones. Yup he was there in all his 2000 parts. He was white as a ghost, his fingers looked like they had been gripping all day and he smelt funny from the air bag deploying. Luckily for my children they only saw Daddy as he was but I saw him for what he had been through. I couldn’t even imagine what he had to have felt like with a car coming at you at 50-60km and slamming into your tail end. The  sound of it had to have been awful. He said it was the kaboom that the airbag made that was the loudest. Plus the sound of the two cars colliding. And I am sure that the sound of his heart pounding in his ears was pretty extreme too. I have always been so grateful for Daryl’s strength both physically and otherwise but on that day I was so happy that he had the strength and muscles to wrap around his heart and soul as protection from this dreadful accident. I can see he’s sore, I can see he is a bit afraid of the road , the cars and the unknown. I can also see the gratitude in his eyes that it was not any worse than it was. That he was able to come home to his family who loves him incredibly. That no one else was injured and that cars can be fixed or replaced but people cannot.

Once you know that the person you were so worried about is going to be ok that is when the stress of what is going to happen next hits you. I felt like I was the aftershock of a small earthquake that goes onto to decimate an entire city. I was fuming. I was inconvenienced. And I had no idea what was going to happen now. I loved our van and I didn’t want to get a new one. We had brought our son home from the hospital in this car. How were we going to get around.? There was so much that I still didn’t know and I could take it no longer and I exploded and it all landed on Daryl. This is your fault. Omg, I can’t believe I just said that. I regretted the words as soon as I said them. I knew he didn’t do this on purpose. I knew it wasn’t his fault. After I took some time to really think about it I realized it was more than what I thought it was. I was scared. I was afraid I would lose the love of my life. I was afraid of not having  him to provide us with the security he always has in more ways than you would know. And so on that day when I was scared I had turned it into anger and it accomplished nothing. I am happy that I had the awareness of it, I only wish I didn’t take it out on my poor husband who had already been through so much. He of course handled it like a champ. “I know you are scared honey, don’t worry I am here” So the moral of today’s story/blog is please hug those that you love and tell them how much they mean to you. Be grateful for each and every moment you get to spend with those you care about because it really could all change in an instant. And when you feel like a volcano about to errrupt ask yourself if it could be more than meets the eye. And I’d like to end  by saying how happy I am to have my husband home safely and that our family is together. I love you Daryl!

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