Have I done it?…

It’s that time again. Time to go and see if my doctor thinks that I am ready for surgery. The last time I had seen him I was told that I needed to work harder and show an effort and make some positive changes in my life around food and health. Since that time it took me a little while to truly get started. But as of  January 1st, 2015 it has been a new year and a new me!  Many new choices have been made around food and the fuel that it is for me. I have completely elininated  pop and in June it will be two whole years I have not touched a drop of the stuff. I had for a short time replaced my pop with iced tea or lemonade and as of  January 1st I have eliminated those from my diet. The only things that I drink are water, very little milk and tea. A huge success for me is that I have not had a Starbucks Caramel Frappe since the beginning of the year. That is amazing. I thought I would be buried with one in my hand. I was so addicted to that drink. And not to mention how much money they were costing me. Tea, water milk,  much cheaper! You’re welcome husband. I also very rarely eat red meat. I mostly eat chicken and lean meats. I only eat very whole grains and not too much of them at all. This is not to say that I am always 100% on because I do allow myself the rare occasion of something sweet, like cake on my birthday. Not the whole cake just a piece. I’ve heard a bunch of times from trainers and healthy people that if you eat 90% pure and 10% what you like that is what people with normal relationships with food do. I am one of those people now and it feels great. Once upon a time I used to think that food and I had a relationship. I used to miss it when it wasn’t around. I was jealous if someone else had their eye on my “piece”, I liked to spend quality time snuggled up on the couch or in bed just me and my food. I used to believe that people + food = a happy relationship. TOTALLY WRONG AND A BIT CRAZY! I now realize that people + people = a relationship, sometimes happy, sometimes not. This is normal  living. When you have a hold of the food and not the other way around. I have made all these changes and I am very proud of them. I know I will never go back to my unhealthy ways because it feels too good to be right here, right now.

So the question still remains what will the doctor say? Yes. No. Maybe. Not now. Wait. I have no idea. My only hope is that he will take one look at me, see that I have done the things that he has asked and take that leap of faith on me and say “Yes, she is ready and I will give her this surgery.” And even if he doesn’t I will just keep working on what I am doing and get there when he thinks I am ready. The scale may only say that I have lost 30 lbs. but I truly feel like I have lost hundreds. Because of the way that feeling gross and full and empty all at the same time made me feel. I used to wonder how can I feel so full like I’m going to burst and at the same time feel more empty than I ever have. I realize that food was filling the void of something that I was missing and my heart was left to feel the emptiness. Now my heart feels full and my stomach feels content. I want to keep this feeling going and even if and when I get the surgery I need to continue to remind myself to keep these things in check. I know I have a long ways to go and that is ok. One day at a time and I am one step closer than I was. So now we wait and see what comes next with the possibility of my surgery…

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